How to Check In with Someone Struggling

Simply starting a genuine conversation with someone is so powerful, it has the potential to save a life.

For many of us though, it is daunting and you may think you wouldn't even know what to say. However, listening is one of the most important things you can do. By taking a genuine interest in the wellbeing of someone else with empathy, you can establish a rapport that fuels a connection.

I've collated some information to hopefully arm you with the confidence to start the conversation.

Enjoy the read.

Firstly, Are You Okay?

Before you can look out for others, you need to look out for yourself. And that’s okay.

Prioritise your self-care

Remember the oxygen mask analogy? The air plane safety video instructs you to fix your oxygen mask first, before helping others with theirs. This is exactly how self-care works. You need to invest in your own wellbeing before you can help others.

Preparing for the Chat

In order to be able to ask someone if they’re okay, you need to be prepared yourself and ask:

Am I in the right head space?
Am I willing to genuinely listen?
Can I give as much time as needed?

It's a commitment to completely stop what you are doing, dissociate from your own problems and fully immerse yourself in another person's story. When you are present and completely engaged, you feel more connected to one another and are at your best to respond. Keep in mind, you don't have to solve their problems, nor do you have to try and find a story that relates back to theirs or offer advice. Instead, bring your attention to the sound of the speaker’s voice without judgement or comment and let the power of deep listening speak for itself.

Active Listening

If you're going to take anything away from this newsletter, let it be that harnessing deep listening is a super power. People want to feel heard, more than they care about whether you agree with them or not.

Something to consider is that what someone says may be completely different to what you hear. We all have a personal bias made up of filters, assumptions, judgements and beliefs that can distort what we hear. So in order to listen as best you can from the other's perspective, you need to step into their shoes.

Empathy

Empathy is a brave choice that requires you to tune into the depth of the other person's feelings as if you've experienced them yourself. We can create empathy by:

Taking others' needs and concerns seriously
Encouraging further elaboration and clarification
Reserving judgement and blame
Displaying intertest and listing intently
Withholding unsought advice
Supporting their attempt to find a solution

It is through empathy that we discover our common humanity.

Dr. Brené Brown sums it up perfectly with this video:

“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know.
But if you listen, you may learn something new”

— Dalai Lama

Asking the Question

Pick Your Moment

Have a think about the person you're going to ask and tailor your approach appropriately to create a safe space that is comfortable for them. Would they prefer to get a coffee, a beer or just walk and talk? Suggest an activity that they're going to feel comfortable doing and in an environment where it's appropriate to talk.

Chip Away

It may help to start with an observation and mention something specific that may have made you concerned about them, for example 'You seem less chatty than usual. How are you going?'. If they don't open up initially, chip away at the layers by asking 'How's your partner?' 'How's work?' 'What have you been up to in your spare time?' Asking questions shows you're genuinely interested and provides them with opportunities to open up.

Encouragement

And when they do open up it's crucial to listen with an open mind and take it slowly. If they need time to think, try and sit patiently with the silence, try not to interrupt or make assumptions and encourage them to explain - 'Take your time, this is important and I'm listening'.

Your Response

You don’t have to be an expert to keep the conversation going when someone says they’re not okay. It's important to respond rather than react.

Focus on understanding what they've said and clarify you've heard correctly. This allows you time to process their words and tap into an empathic response. Remember, people want to feel heard and validated more than anything.

Paraphrasing

This is a very powerful tool to connect with the person and make them feel heard and understood. In your own words, say what you believe the message is that they conveyed to you. For example, 'So what I think you're saying is...' or 'So you feel that...'. Try to avoid phrases like 'I know what you mean'.

Feeding back to the person the essence of what's been said encourages them to reflect on their experience and maybe gain some further insight.

Validation

Even if you've never felt the same way as the other person or had a similar experience, validating their feelings is possibly one of the most powerful and respectful ways to respond. By feeling validated, they gain a sense of being accepted, understood and worthwhile.

“Rarely can a response make something better.
What makes something better is connection.”

— Dr. Brené Brown

The Conversation

If you're finding that you're just not getting through to that person or that they're still holding back, one of the most powerful ways to influence someone's behaviour is to model the desired behaviour. By being open and vulnerable yourself and embracing vulnerability as a strength, you're breaking through the shame barrier. Shame can't survive empathy.

Here are some tips when engaging with someone you suspect is struggling:

Give them time to find the words and express what they need to say
Be hopeful and talk optimistically about the future
Emphasise their abilities by highlighting their strengths, skills and passions
Be genuine and authentic
Validate their experience

Encourage Action

Once they've opened up, encourage them to access support or to do something that might lighten their load. For example, you could ask 'Do you think it would help for you to talk to someone else about this? Maybe a psychologist? What you're going through isn't easy'.

But what if they say they're fine? Ask if you can check in with them next week if you're still concerned and be sure to follow up. You could say 'I would like to keep checking in with you if that's okay?'.

Following Up

Don’t just leave it there, it is very important to check in with the person regularly to see if they are okay. Pop a reminder in your diary to call them in a couple of weeks. If they're really struggling, follow up with them sooner.

You could say: "I've been thinking of you and wanted to know how you've been going since we last chatted." Ask if they've found a better way to manage the situation. If they haven't done anything, don't judge them. They might just need someone to listen to them for the moment.

Stay in touch and be there for them. Genuine care and concern can make a real difference.

Boundaries

You don't need to take responsibility for someone else's problems. You're probably not an expert on the topic, so it's best not to give an opinion and instead refer them to a professional support service. The best thing you can do is to listen to their concerns and acknowledge their feelings.

Self-Care Services

Keep a note of these services that can help you or a loved one in a time of crisis.

NewAccess This is free and confidential support for low level mental health problems developed by Beyond Blue for people over 16 years.

Lifeline (13 11 14) Offers a 24 hour telephone counselling services, which provides crisis support.

The Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) Provides crisis counselling to people at risk of suicide, care givers for someone who is suicidal and those bereaved by suicide, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week across Australia.

Mental Health Line (1800 011 511) The Mental Health Line is a state-wide NSW government operated 24 hour telephone support service.

Urgent Matters (000) Imminent risk of harm, or for people in life-threatening situations.

And Lastly...

We all need connection, so checking in with a family member, friend or colleague can really make a difference. Remember, a conversation has the potential to save a life.

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