Quit Being a D*ck to Yourself
It's time to show a little self-compassion
Article by Michelle Dal Cin
Self-compassion is one of the most important qualities to cultivate in our current culture. It has become a cultural norm to be constantly striving to work harder, to be more productive and be successful in every aspect of life. Such an environment breeds self-criticism. We often have such high standards for ourselves and beat ourselves up when we do not meet these expectations.
Interestingly though, we often find ourselves telling our friends not to be so hard on themselves, that all that matters is that they tried their best or that it’s okay that they got rejected or failed at something; there will always be another opportunity. However, when it comes to our own challenges and defeats we have a much harder time giving ourselves the same advice. Instead we fall into cycles of self-doubt and harsh criticism. It seems self-compassion is almost non-existent in our vocabulary. We always hear about how we should be kind to others but what isn't highlighted is the importance of being kind to ourselves.
Self-criticism has been linked to release of the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol by tapping into our innate threat defence system. In contrast, self-compassion has been found to reduce these stress hormones and increase the release of oxytocin and opiates; our feel-good hormones. Thus self-compassion sets the foundation for a healthy mindset which in turn, allows for greater self-acceptance and self-confidence.
Further, research has consistently demonstrated a strong link between self-compassion and overall mental wellbeing. In fact, self-compassion has been shown to act as a buffer against negative emotions during unfavourable life events and to increase self-improvement motivation after personal failure. Basically when you're feeling like sh*t, it pays to be kind to yourself!
So, what does it even mean to be self-compassionate? How can we be kind to ourselves in practice?
Kristen Neff’s pioneering research suggests that self-compassion is an adaptive form of self-relation that involves the capacity to:
Be understanding of oneself during times of difficulty rather than being self-critical.
When going through difficult periods in life we too often engage in negative self-talk, “I’m so pathetic”, “I look so gross today”, “wow, I am so dumb”. As Neff pointed out in her TED talk:
'We often say things to ourselves that we would never say to someone we care about... we say things to ourselves that we probably wouldn’t even say to someone we didn’t like very much'.
We should instead be treating ourselves with kindness, encouragement, empathy and patience, just as we would treat those we love and especially through times of hardship.
Acknowledge that suffering is part of the human experience rather than feeling isolated.
As humans, life is never going to be perfect. We are all going to have negative experiences or feel vulnerable at times. Thus rather than letting our misfortunes and imperfections make us feel different and isolated they should rather make us feel more connected as they are a normal part of our shared human experience.
Be mindfully aware of painful thoughts and feelings rather than over-identifying with them or attempting to escape from them.
When experiencing negative thoughts or feelings we often either obsess over them making them worse or attempt to suppress or deny them.
Mindfulness is all about developing a non-judgmental and non-reactive awareness to our thoughts and feelings.
Even just being aware of these thoughts is helpful. As Neff points out, we often don’t even notice our suffering especially when it comes from our own self-judgment. Let's say we miss a workout, we might automatically beat ourselves up thinking we’re just “too lazy” and “don’t have what it takes to be self-disciplined”. As we become aware of these thoughts, we have the opportunity to recognise our self-criticism. Missing a workout does not define us as “lazy” or mean that we are “undisciplined”. Instead with mindfulness, we can label our thoughts and feelings without judgement e.g. “I didn’t go to the gym and now I am feeling guilty”.
By offering ourselves self-compassion we can acknowledge that feeling guilty for not meeting our goals is such a common and normal experience.
It’s clear that the thing we need most in times of difficulty is to be kind to ourselves. We need to train ourselves to take notice of our negative self-talk, pause to imagine what we’d say to a friend who was in our position and recognise that mistakes, failures and suffering are something we all experience.
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Using a holistic approach, Michelle facilitates a safe, open and trusting relationship with her clients where they can be guided through a process of self-exploration; learning about their needs, triggers, values and strengths. Her goal is to support clients in building resilience, cultivating strong and genuine relationships and creating a rich and more meaningful life.
She utilises evidence-based treatments such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Mindfulness, Schema Therapy, Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and The Gottman Method.
Michelle offers therapy for a broad range of issues including:
Mood disorders such as depression or bipolar disorder
Anxiety, panic attacks and phobias
Obsessive Compulsive disorder
Substance and behavioural addiction
Trauma
Work related stress and burnout
Adjustment difficulties
Marriage and couples therapy
Low self-esteem or self-confidence
Perfectionism
Time management, planning and study
Michelle’s services include:
One-on-one psychotherapy
Couples therapy
Treatment for WorkCover and Motor Vehicle accidents
Forensic reports
Work and Development Orders
Michelle Dal Cin
BPsych BPsySc (Hons) AMAPS
For booking information please contact: michelledalcinpsychology@gmail.com
